You are a GIRL!

Each one of us has atleast two sides, and two completely different characters... you can be real boring while being with a certain group of people... you hardly ever speak or even smile, no communication at all is to be found... it's like you're there, but not really being there... yet, you can be real fun when being with others... there are people whom you feel like you can be yourself with, that's when your character shines... you can feel your heart beating, and your soul floating... you simply feel happy, you're laughing so hard that your stomach hurts, and your eyes are filled with tears :) you simply feel that you are free... that you could do whatever it is that you want, and yes, it feels so great that it motivates you to keep on going on with your life... it feels so good that you don't want those days to end...

Still, there are others whom you have to "fake it" just to fit in their community... you have to dress "right", speak "right", and act "right"... no mistakes, what so ever, are allowed... you have to keep on wearing an unreal smile on your face... you are shaking hands with people whom you don't know, you have to listen to their nonsense and act as if you are enjoying your time, and that the food is real great when you really can't swallow a single bite of it :) they introduce you to their daughters and sons, secretly aiming to arrange a "wedding" just to have your families get closer... no, not because they are interisted in you, but because they are interisted in what this "familial" union is to bring... you are just a "thing" or a way that is going to get them a step closer to where they want... in short, you are simply being tortured in a "classy" way :)

Just look at "you" when you want something from someone in a "higher" position... you are extreamly polite, extreamly nice in a sick way... things like "i love your neck tie, those colors are so alive!", and "you seem to have lost some weight sir"... you might say anything or do whatever it takes to get what you want, and if you don't, you usually start "saying things" as soon as you get out of the door... well, he's not any better than you are, he has probably done the same thing in another situation... but the truth is, it just makes me feel sick!

Am not any better either... i thought i was, but am not... i've been searching for a suitable training since january, i refused to get trained at one of my uncle's companies for it was against the rules... i decided to try to depend on myself and went to several local factories and companies... the answer i got never did change... "You are a GIRL!"... yes, that was the reason they gave me as an excuse... i wasn't even asked about my grades or skills... they didn't even care to look at my CV... i was told that i've chosen the wrong major... and yes, that hurts :)

i felt like i reached a dead end... i was running out of time, and had to find a way out... eventually, i asked my mother for help. She simply called one of her friends, and everything was set on the phone... within a couple of days, i got a phone call from the secretary "Your papers are ready, you can start working whenever you feel like it, feel free to choose the position you would like to be in". It felt good to know that i've finally found a place, but deep inside, i felt horrible... i don't really "know" my mother's friend, nor do i know her husband... i am now in debt for people whom i donno... i probably took someone else's place, and i absolutly won't be able to be myself at work... it's like an eye is going to keep on watching me all the time, and i have to act like "little miss perfect". I guess i'll have to live with my fake personality for the next 3 months... I just hope that it won't be as horrible as i imagine!

I keep on thinking that if i just waited a little bit longer, if i just kept on trying, i might have found a place, i might have earned the position that i'll be in... I didn't like the idea of having my mom asking others to do me a favour... it's not something that we are used to... maybe that's why it still feels so horrible :)