Friday, May 26, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
You are a GIRL!
Still, there are others whom you have to "fake it" just to fit in their community... you have to dress "right", speak "right", and act "right"... no mistakes, what so ever, are allowed... you have to keep on wearing an unreal smile on your face... you are shaking hands with people whom you don't know, you have to listen to their nonsense and act as if you are enjoying your time, and that the food is real great when you really can't swallow a single bite of it :) they introduce you to their daughters and sons, secretly aiming to arrange a "wedding" just to have your families get closer... no, not because they are interisted in you, but because they are interisted in what this "familial" union is to bring... you are just a "thing" or a way that is going to get them a step closer to where they want... in short, you are simply being tortured in a "classy" way :)
Just look at "you" when you want something from someone in a "higher" position... you are extreamly polite, extreamly nice in a sick way... things like "i love your neck tie, those colors are so alive!", and "you seem to have lost some weight sir"... you might say anything or do whatever it takes to get what you want, and if you don't, you usually start "saying things" as soon as you get out of the door... well, he's not any better than you are, he has probably done the same thing in another situation... but the truth is, it just makes me feel sick!
Am not any better either... i thought i was, but am not... i've been searching for a suitable training since january, i refused to get trained at one of my uncle's companies for it was against the rules... i decided to try to depend on myself and went to several local factories and companies... the answer i got never did change... "You are a GIRL!"... yes, that was the reason they gave me as an excuse... i wasn't even asked about my grades or skills... they didn't even care to look at my CV... i was told that i've chosen the wrong major... and yes, that hurts :)
i felt like i reached a dead end... i was running out of time, and had to find a way out... eventually, i asked my mother for help. She simply called one of her friends, and everything was set on the phone... within a couple of days, i got a phone call from the secretary "Your papers are ready, you can start working whenever you feel like it, feel free to choose the position you would like to be in". It felt good to know that i've finally found a place, but deep inside, i felt horrible... i don't really "know" my mother's friend, nor do i know her husband... i am now in debt for people whom i donno... i probably took someone else's place, and i absolutly won't be able to be myself at work... it's like an eye is going to keep on watching me all the time, and i have to act like "little miss perfect". I guess i'll have to live with my fake personality for the next 3 months... I just hope that it won't be as horrible as i imagine!
I keep on thinking that if i just waited a little bit longer, if i just kept on trying, i might have found a place, i might have earned the position that i'll be in... I didn't like the idea of having my mom asking others to do me a favour... it's not something that we are used to... maybe that's why it still feels so horrible :)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
The Power of a Rain Drop
I thought it was real stupid to call someone after a "cloud", especially a grey one! it just didn't make sense to me :) but i was always being reminded that there is a rainbow after each rain fall, and that nothing could survive without water...
My name never made sense to me untill a couple of years ago.... i was taking a course in western and japanese technical stock terms, and was introduced to the term "raindrops"... i was amazed by what raindrops could do :)
I never did realize how powerful raindrops can really be untill a few months ago... and am not talking about the power it has in the stocks market :) i found out that every single rain drop represents one of us...
I've always asked myself how much do i, as a person, mean to this world... if i die right now, nearly nothing would change... my family and a couple of friends plus some people might miss me for a while... but the sun would still rise, birds are going to continue singing, kids would go to their schools, and life would continue normally as if nothing happened... in short, i felt like i really mean nothing, that am worthless... and i started asking myself why do i even exist??? just then, another question popped into my mind... how many people do i know whom their death would effect this world much more than mine would??? my answer was "nearly" no body :) does this mean that we all mean nothing??? i had to find a way to explain it...
The answer was simple, it was right infront of my eyes, but i just couldn't see... Rain Drops! when rain falls, the effect of a single rain drop could easily be ignored when compared to the total effect cause by the rest of the rain drops... as a matter of fact, we can ignore the effect of several rain drops, and still get the same result! but we can't ignore them all...
In other words, each single drop made an effect, even if it wasn't noticed... this tiny effect when combined with the tiny effects other raindrops made would result in a noticeable force that can't be ignored... and this force is what makes a change :)
In short, life would have never been exactly the same without you or me... each one of us counts in a way or another :)
Friday, May 05, 2006
the truth is, you are the only reason am writing again :) the idea of that there are friends and people out there who are still reading, that some is still passing by my blog, although i haven't wrote a thing for more than two months means more than alot to me :)
a good friend of mine once told me that he writes what people wants to read, while i write what i want to write... and i just don't know which one of us is right :) each one has a different point of view, a different way of thinking, and a whole different personality :) but his words made me think of why am i writing in the first place... years ago, i just wrote to let go, just to feel a little bit better... i was the only one entitled to read my writings... my pen was my best friend, no one else was to know my secrets... but the situation right now is different... everyone can read my thoughts... anyone, in a way or another, can tell how i think...
i felt like i was contradicting myself... one of my rules was never to let the person infront of me understand the way i think or feel... i guess it was just to protect myself from those around me... the fact is, i still find it hard to trust anyone new...
i can't figure out why did i start this blog... was it because i wanted to share my thoughts with someone else, or was it just to exchange opinions and ideas... i have no idea... but what i know is, am not sorry i did :)